a very hard month

This has been an awful month for me, and I have not been willing to write much. After the joy of the wedding, I expected to be a little down in the dumps. I guess I have a little manic-depressive tendency, but I understand and can deal with it usually. Life really seemed to fall apart at the same time. I had no job to go to. My back froze up, and I could not get around without severe pain. Husband's truck needed work, and his work needs his truck. We were out of money. Added doctor bills, added vehicle repair, and no money coming in, except for a small unemployment check, do not make for a peaceful time. Did I mention we were out of money. Being an emotional woman, tears were unpredictable, and uncontrollable.

It is hard to go to God when I feel so uncared for and dried up. Coming to this blog and remembering where I have been and who I am reminded me to go to psalms. Psalm 18, starting at vs. 15 has re-centered me. Vs. 24 and 25 came alive. It is always disconcerting when David says "The Lord has rewarded me according to my righteousness." David was not righteous, I am not righteous. Ah, but then I remember the ability of David to speak from the heart of God. It is Jesus who is rewarded, and we are his prize. Vs. 24b "According to the cleanness of my hands in his eyes." Vs. 16, "He sent from on high, He took me; He drew me out of many waters." vs. 28 "For thou dost light my lamp; The Lord my God illumines my darkness." This is God's work to draw me out, when I do not have the strength to lift my hands. It is painful to burn, to be a lamp in the temple of God, but there really is no safer place to be.